A Glimmer of Pride

This post will probably seem a little weird...but I am basically going to write about how much I love my life.  So if you want to stop reading right now, I won't judge you.  It's 10:00am on a Tuesday morning and I finally have a day off...and I woke up so unbelievably chipper and optimistic that I just had to get my thoughts out.

I had a little bit of a moment of clarity last night...I woke up in the middle of the night, it must have been about 3 or 4 in the morning...and I sat up in bed and looked around my room.  I've lived here for just over 4 months now and it's suddenly become home within the last few weeks.  I got up and took a little walk around my 850 square foot apartment and almost started to cry just thinking about how happy I am living here.  I can't see myself leaving this apartment anytime soon, and I hope I never have to for any reason.  My job is a typical droning serving job in a dingy little neighborhood pub, but I love working there.  My school is amazing and every moment I spend there, I am throwing my heart and soul into my passion 100%.  Even on days like yesterday, when I honestly wanted to cry.  My roommate means the world to me, and I feel so lucky to have found her and to now be living with her so peacefully.  The people I have met in this city have changed my life for the better.  I never could have imagined growing this much in a 4 month time period, but I guess leaving everything you know will do that to you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am overwhelmed with my blessings.  I took a huge leap of faith by choosing this path with no real plan, and opened my heart to the universe, just hoping that it would take care of me...and sure enough, all of the tools and strength I needed were somehow provided to me.  All of those sleepless nights worrying and wondering if I'd made the right choice and if I was going to be able to make it on my own have finally paid off...I'm actually doing it.

I'm not on scholarship to an Ivy League university.  I'm not backpacking through Europe and enriching my life with ancient cultures.  I'm not volunteering overseas.  I'm not working towards scoring an apprenticeship with a prestigious company.  I don't have a job with a fat pay cheque where I get to wear heels and a pantsuit every day.  I live off of Chinese take-out and stay home watching Netflix because it's more financially appropriate for me than going out.  I drive a car that may kick the can any day now.  I live pay cheque to pay cheque and sometimes have to get creative with how I make ends meet.

But I'm doing a hell of a lot more than scared, terrified, safe me was doing a year ago.  And I'm doing it on my own, and that makes me feel so proud.  When we graduated high school 3 years ago, everyone had such enormous dreams; whether it was education or travel or money or love...but this is my dream, albeit small and maybe insignificant to some people...but I'm living in a city that I think is one of the most wonderful in the world, I'm attending the school of my dreams, and I even manage to pay all my bills AND buy my own Kraft Dinner.  If that's not gratification, then I don't know what is.

xo-ac

A Little Salvation from the January Blahs

Some of the sickest, most twisted, darkest music I've ever heard in my life.  At the same time, you will find clarity and beauty, the music will provoke your thoughts,  the lyrics will persuade you to question your deepest and most personal conflicts, and if you're anything like me, you will be slowly pulled into an absolute trance of musical genius that will leave you feeling simply confused afterwards.  I recommend you start by downloading the album entitled "Thursday" and listen to "Wicked Games" first.  If that sounds too complicated for you, just follow this link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9PuAm7d0PA&feature=related

All 3 albums can be downloaded COMPLETELY FREE OF CHARGE from The Weeknd's official website, just follow the link below, enjoy, and give yourself a few solid hours to experience this musical ecstasy.  It will change you in a very weird way.

Click Here to Download Music by The Weeknd

Life in the 403

Hello world!  I have dropped off the face of the blogging planet since my big move to Alberta (both on this site and on ashleydempster.wordpress.com) BUT...now that it is minus fortyfuckingtwo degrees outside...I am cuddled up securely under the blankets of my big fluffy bed on the top floor of an apartment complex in  south Calgary...and I have absolutely no excuse NOT to get back on the blog train.  So.  I will begin by briefing whoever may stumble upon this post about the past 4 months of my life; beginning with the day I left Kelowna in my little dodge neon with 2 suitcases, a guitar, a full tank of gas and the latest Luke Bryan album (tailgates and tanlines...you have to listen to it or you can just stop reading right now...)

The actual leaving moment of my journey to Calgary was totally surreal.  I'd been planning on moving back "home" to Alberta for years, but from the time that I actually solidified my decision to the moment that I left seemed to absolutely fly by.  At 7AM on September 17th I had loaded the last of my things into my car and stood on the driveway with my mom, dad, sister, beagle, and my boyfriend at the time.  Nobody cried nearly as much as I thought they would, which was great, because I had an 8 hour solo drive ahead of me through the rockies.  My boyfriend promised he'd move to Calgary to be with me in a few weeks.

The drive itself was liberating.  There's something very empowering for a 20 year old girl when she conquers a 650km road trip on her own for the first time.  I arrived in Calgary safely, and spent the first 2 weeks living with my aunt and uncle until my roommate arrived and our apartment was ready to be moved into.  I started training for my new job, and really liked it a lot at first.  Everything just kind of fell into place.  My boyfriend moved to Calgary shortly after me, found a house, found a job, and things really started to fall into place with him too...until I went back to Kelowna in October.

I don't know what it was about going back to BC that changed me.  I was only at my parents place (my former home, it was very strange) for 2 days, and I spent the majority of my time on the hiking trails in total solitude.  I had a moment of clarity when I was almost at the peak of Knox Mountain, and it's hard for me to explain, but a deer wandered out of the forest and stood on the path in front of me; and all of a sudden my entire life became clearer than I ever knew was possible.

I know what you're thinking... "that freaking hippie, sounds like some sort of a weird acid trip to me..."...and I get it, it doesn't really make sense why staring face to face with a woodland creature made me decide to fly back to Calgary and end things with him...but that's honestly what did it.  In all the simplicity and stillness of the autumn air, I realized what I loved almost more than anything; adventure, nature, beauty, being outdoors, appreciating sights and sounds and feelings and emotions; things that him and I had never seen eye to eye on.  So upon my return to Calgary, I ended things after over two years together (ups and downs inclusive) and almost 3 months later, here I am, so incredibly glad that I made that decision when I did.

I continued moseying through life a little aimlessly, enjoying life in the city, finding empowerment in my newfound independence and falling in love with the little 850sqft apartment that Karley and I now call home.  I spent a lot of time meditating after the breakup, because as I'm sure you can imagine, I was feeling incredibly guilty about everything I'd put him through...letting him change his entire life to move to Calgary to be with me and then leaving him only 2 weeks after he'd arrived here.  My new friends at work would laugh and joke that I was such a bitch, which I felt was fairly accurate.  I threw my energy into working out, cooking, keeping the apartment almost OCD spotless, and working two serving jobs.  November came and went, as did December, my family came for Christmas, whose events will require an entirely separate post if I choose to discuss them (probably not, it was not a very positive time)...and now here I am, more than halfway through January.

-xo-ac <3